The last few days a feeling of being 'out of It'.
Of not being authentic.
A feeling of discomfort and physical unrest.
The feeling of a someone.
A dear friend had a accident and
is hospitalized with brain damage.
Two weeks of being with him,
taking care of him, and somewhere the hope
that he can recover somehow, somewhat.
Trying to push back the prospect that he will not recover,
that he will be an invalid, a plant.
Pushing back anxieties.
( Could i have done it better ?,
should i have done this rather than that?
No too painful, push it away,
resist these unwelcome feelings. )
Then when this was noticed, a complete stop.
And everything was welcomed.
Sitting with this,
wave after wave.
Sitting with it as a mother would hold her child.
And then slowly it becomes something else.
Noticing without labels.
Just noticing and holding it.
Coming and going.
And now a deep feeling of sadness
which is just there,
not happening to a someone.
A feeling of almost exquisite sadness,
all the sadness of the world,
breaking open the heart.
This is what is here right now.
With resistance the person comes into being,
Without the resistance it is life happening.
Life raw and deep.